Whether riding on a bus, train, standing in a checkout line or sitting in a waiting area, you are subject to hear someone talking about relationship issues. Across cultural lines, ring the universal pain and pleasure of love.

Before giving up on love, many couples seek professional counseling to get unbiased advice. In other cases, professional relationship counseling is sought to maintain privacy.

Whatever the reason, a natural inclination is to wonder what kind of relationship the potential counselor has with his or her mate; or moreover, does he or she have a mate at all?

Most people want counsel from someone who meets a personal standard before listening to the advice, such a requirement is not unreasonable. However, the question is, “If the requirement is met, does this mean the advice will be applied?”
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Harvey, Steve. Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy and Commitment. Harper Collins.

Simpson, Bonnie. What Is For Worse? AUTHORHOUSE. MAY 2008. 176 Pages.

“Follow your first mind,” is common advice given (sometimes) when seeking counsel to make decisions about love. A common scenario is hindsight replaying the moment in a relationship where a red flag with sirens and flashing lights was ignored long before marriage.

As we go through life and love, we adjust tolerance levels based upon experiences. We developed low tolerance for anyone threatening a sustained state of joy and happiness until we meet this one person with whom we imagine sharing a lifetime.

So sweet and mesmerizing is the vision, we use it as a point of reference when deciding to ignore a red flag; and then, we support the decision with, “everyone tolerates something in every relationship.”

What is a red flag? The answer is what was done that made you uncomfortable? Or what was said to which you took offense? Is your mate willing to discuss the issue? Or is it unfinished business because your mate tells you to dismiss the issue?

Is it a red flag you can afford to ignore? Your joy and happiness is a high price to pay.

Imagine being able to talk to someone at will about relationship issues as soon as a turn of events occur in your love life. If no one is immediately available after a few phone calls, what do you do?

Several years ago, a woman told me she and her husband made a pact, even before they got married, never to discuss their business with anyone outside of their relationship. Neither the husband or wife shut down when the other wanted to talk; no matter how inconvenient.

At the time, they were married over thirty years; and as far as I know, they are yet married. By now, you have bits of wisdom about love you gained from your own experience.  A few basics you have learned; no one is without faults, every relationship has trouble, and the relationship bundle of love, respect, trust, communication and commitment will not be accepted if a component is missing.

Of course, many people negotiate relationship contracts and the commonly omitted component is commitment. Both people agree not to commit to the relationship until one of them act upon the agreement.

At this point, the man or woman discovers a desire for more than friendship; however, fear of driving away a potential love inspires customizing the relationship bundle to do just enough to keep the other person at his or her disposal.

You have a gut reaction to such an idea, but you do not say what is on your heart at the time you hear it. No one is around to help you weigh your thoughts. Your heart’s memory is jogged by your gut reaction, but are you listening to what they are saying?

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Elmore, Ronn. Dating, Waiting and Recognizing Your Soul Mate. CD.

Sozio, Donna. Never Trust a Man in Alligator Loafers. Kensington Publishing Corporation: 2007.

To exercise an individual right or freedom to live out the credence of individual thought is a big responsibility when it comes to love and family wealth. The evidence of misallocation of individual freedom is in the collateral damage of a broken family spirit.

In some cases, family poverty is a direct result of a man exercising his right not to marry and not to provide for a family. In other cases, family poverty is a direct result of a woman exercising her right to ignore signs and/or wise counsel the man she adores is not a good choice; and will not accept his role as head of the family.

Such cases might create jobs for non-profit organizations, qualified mental health professionals, unemployment branch offices, substance abuse counselors, probation officers, and department of human services.

Moreover, such cases may invoke compassion from those who volunteer at homeless shelters, food pantries, and soup kitchens providing service to broken families who are working to improve their conditions.

One can counterpoint the individual man or woman should have exercised his or her individual right to opportunities for education to get a good paying job to avoid poverty, but will the admonishment help the morale of the family living in poverty?

There are other reasons a family may fall at or below poverty level such as chronic illness generating high medical expenses or sudden death of the person responsible for the sole income of the family.

Some men and women have become well informed and use language learned in therapy sessions or heard on talk shows with guest psychologists to self-diagnose their reason for exercising their right to be irresponsible when it comes to building family wealth.

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Harvey, Steve. Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. CBSOnline. 27 JAN 2009.

Jones, Noel. It’s Your Time to Shine. YouTube. 26 MAR 2010.

Some men say upfront they do not want a relationship. They just want to have sex; that is all. If the woman forfeits the opportunity to let him walk, then she is accountable for the hurt she suffers. This does not mean she deserves to be hurt.

I was told a woman has influence over the direction of a relationship. If she decides to accept a man’s approach, she is considered to have absolute control over every aspect of the encounter.

The woman is held accountable to screen a man for sincerity and intentions even after he gives her flowers and candy, takes her out to dinner, shares why he is alone, why he is interested in her and why he chose her to be in his life.

She is expected to know exactly how much time is required to determine if a man wants to commit to a relationship, but there is another type of man.  He may never say he wants a relationship, but he knows his actions of spending a lot of time with a woman might be interpreted he is committed to her.

Granted, announcing commitment is no guarantee either a man will commit. Exposure to such deception can hurt a person so deeply, it distorts thinking to the point he or she treats a new love as the one responsible for the hurt.

Many times, the hurt in a relationship happens because neither person is open about what is desired or what is expected because they do not want to offend or put pressure on the other. This is one reason why people are in and out of relationships.

One person may want a committed relationship and the other person just wants the benefits of a committed relationship with the choice to keep his or her options open for love elsewhere.

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About Morehouse College.Proud Tradition of Producing Outstanding Leaders.

Elmore, Ronn.Trust Again? Article

White, Joseph L.The Psychology of the African American Male